Conformity
The urge to be like others is the reason so many of us suffer feelings of self-doubt, insecurity, reluctance to take risks, dependence on others for validation, and others thoughts whic constantly plague our psyche. If I had one piece of advice for our generation – not that I’m in some position to be dishing out world-wide advice, but I think it’s something we all need to hear – it’s this:
Do not conform.
Do you want to be happier? To start caring less about other people’s opinions? To have higher self esteem? To find what fascinates you?
Start doing things for YOU. No-one else, but you. It’s not easy at first. Of course, we always want the quick fix to everything in life – perfect bodies, good grades, a spectacular job, the white picket fence and two-point-four kids when we grow up – but we’re all afraid to ask two big questions:
- Why do we want these things?
- What is necessary to give up to get these things?
Often, when you start asking these more challenging, open-ended questions, you begin to realize that maybe some of these things aren’t what you want – or at least not in the typical form that you’re used to seeing them. Society has trained virtually everyone (especially at a young age) to resent their appearance in some way, breeding an underlying desire to always “be more attractive.” Instead of aiming blindly at this goal of an ehanced appearance through extreme measures, it’s worth asking: why do we want thar? Is it so we can get attention from others to fill some sort of void? Don’t you think there is a better way to feel fulfilled than seeking out the validation and attention of others?
Maybe, it’s really that you want to be fit because being healthy will provide you with a greater chance to have a longer life, the ability to stay energized and youthful for as long as possible and take on physical challenges which others might shy away from.
Perhaps we want a “great job.” The thing is, that is going to look very different for everyone. Just because someone else might be absolutely in love with their 9-5, structured, clearly defined role – that doesn’t mean the same has to be true for you! This is easy to say and tough to practice, but nonetheless, it’s important to remember. Because once we fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others, it becomes easy to perceive everyone else’s situation as better than our own, when that is simply not the case. Everyone is on their own path, and focusing your energy on yours, not anyone else’s, is what’s going to bring you the most fulfillment.
The better we get at weaning ourselves off of the dependence we have on validation from external sources, the easier it will be for us to make ourselves happy.
And making ourselves happy is – in my opinion – the key to a full life.
Whether we like it, believe it or want it, or not – the only permanent thing in our lives is ourselves. Simple as that. Relationships, homes, jobs, environments – they’re all temporary, out of our control to some extent, and therefore should not be the only source of our happiness. It’s a tough thing to wrap our heads around; the fact that everything could disappear at any moment, but it’s fundamental to think about in order to start living the lives we want to be living.
The sooner we get comfortable with the idea of doing things for us instead of the people and environments around us, the sooner we will end up in a stage of life where everything starts falling into place. It’s not magic, it’s not instantaneous and it sure as hell is not easy, but finding fulfillment and happiness independently is 1000% possible and within our reach – it just takes practice.
It takes practice to say yes to opportunities that make you uncomfortable and are scary. It takes practice to make decisions you think other people might “judge you” for or disapprove of. It takes practice to start saying no to activities which are easy to take part in, but are not adding to your life. And most importantly, it takes practice to start embracing self-awareness.
Self-awareness is the key in the door that unlocks a whole different lifestyle.
Because once you know yourself well enough, you don’t need the validation of others.
one way to think about the futlity of seeking validation
If you are blonde and someone said you had green hair, would you be offended? No, because they’re obviously wrong – you know you have blonde hair. Similarly, if someone were to say that you are on the wrong path or doing a job that isn’t right for you, would you be offended if you knew they were wrong? No, you wouldn’t, because you know yourself well enough to know what is right for you.
No one knows you as well as you do – and that is a crucial thing to remember. Sure, seek out advice from people you trust. Reflect. Ask questions. Observe the people you look up to. Learn from them. But when it comes down to it – only you know what is going to be best for you. Only you know what you truly want, what lights you up, and what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. No matter how well someone knows you, they can’t give you those answers. You have to find them yourself. And once you do, hold on to them, trust them and be confident in them. Because you are most definitely going to run into circumstances where people tell you that they don’t think what you’re doing is a good idea or they might say something that could make you feel insecure, but the trick to fighting that feeling is to know yourself.
If you know who you are and what you want out of life, no one can make a statement that will tarnish that for you, because they are speaking from their perspective – what makes sense for them, what they believe, what they want from you. You have to focus on what you want from you, and the better you get at figuring that out, the easier it will be to make choices which align with who you are.
One of my favourite take-aways from the book the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson, was this:
“Not giving a f*ck is not about being indifferent, it’s about being okay with being different. Read that again people, because that is the yolk of this whole lesson! We need to become okay with stepping out of the status quo – of doing the unusual in pursuit of finding what suits us best.”
Think of it as if our experiences create a bubble – the more we do, the larger that bubble becomes. As the bubble expands, we gain a greater ability to identify what excites us. If all we’re doing is living in an identical bubble to everyone around us by doing the same things, we might never find that sense of happiness and fulfillment we are seeking, because we don’t have the same breadth of experience as those with large, full, ambitious bubbles! We must grow our bubbles by trying new things, saying yes to things our friends might say no to, meeting new people, being relentlessly curious, learning from those around us, seeking out adventure, stepping into discomfort and growing through it all. That is what what is going to paint a picture that will represent a full life. And it will all be worth it when we start to find what resonates with us most.
I believe this quote to be 100% true. Conforming is the default. It’s the easy option. It takes no will power or independent decision-making. It is passive. Who wants to live a passive life? Each day is a new opportunity and a blessing in and of itself, and should be treated as such.
It’s completely normal to have very little clue as to “what you want out of life” right now, but the only way to find the answer to that question is to do. If you feel the need to change something, if something doesn’t feel right or you’re lacking fulfillment – try new things.
Change something! Anything.
Go to a cooking class, join a jiu jitsu club or an intramural team or a career development workshop. Start writing, reading, blogging, coding, anything. Begin creating things on your own and you will be wildly shocked at how fulfilling your life can become. It’s a magical thing to begin to be driven by something outside of our passive, naturally induced bubbles. But in order to find that, we need to actively expand them.
“Nothing dissipates anxiety faster than action.”
So start today.
Do one thing today you have been putting off – you have been wanting to do it for awhile, but are scared to start. Sign up for a class. Call someone you look up to and set up a coffee date with them. Go outside and walk, run, bike. Do something out of the norm and observe how it feels. If it adds to your life, keep doing it. If it doesn’t, move on.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”
It takes practice, but it is entirely possible to find what fills up our cup, and once we begin to find that – our life expands.
So, go be brave. Expand that bubble and watch what happens!
karma →