changing the conversation: what is mental health?
Society was recently ripped wide open yet again with two more tragic losses of individuals who had a major impact on the lives of many – Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade. These are just two examples of a much larger problem. This might come as a shock to many, but suicide is the second leading cause of death for individuals ages 15-34 in North America. This alarming statistic, among many others, has sent my mind in a swirl of curiosity as to why mental illness and suicide rates continue to grow, despite the readily available resources and movements working tirelessly to prevent those suffering from reaching these extremes. With all these efforts to dissipate the stigma surrounding mental illness, the needle still seems reluctant to move in the right direction.
My question is: Why?
Clearly, something isn’t working – there is an incongruence with the way mental health is discussed outwardly and the experience of those suffering. There is something missing in the conversation which is preventing us from popping the taboo bubble encapsulating this critical component of our health which affects everyone. The first step is to zoom out and ask a very important question:
what is mental health?
Let’s read that again: a person’s condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well-being. Every single human on earth is on some spectrum of mental health. Mental health is not an elusive term only to be associated by those who ‘possess it’ – we all do. We all vary and fluctuate with regard to our psychological and emotional well-being. We should all be able to discuss our mental health, and yet the way it is often presented draws a thick, distinct line between those who experience mental health issues and those who do not. Does it have to be this way? Do we need to call mental health ‘the elephant in the room’ if it is something we all possess? We must look at mental health as a component of our well-being, not synonymous with our physical health, but in synergy with it. Some days we wake up physically sore or in pain – maybe it’s because we slept funny or had a physically strenuous experience the day before. Generally, we’re pretty in tune with how our physical health is doing on a day-to-day basis. But how often do we tune into how our mental health is doing when we wake up in the morning? Why is it often only when all internal alarms are going off and a feeling of helplessness floods in that the conversation starts about mental health?
You might have heard the frequently used analogy: “If someone had a broken leg, you wouldn’t ask them why they need to use a crutch” to de-stigmatize the perception of asking for help when it comes to mental health. While this is a great analogy to contextualize the issue, the message I want to convey is this: You don’t need to break your leg to realize you might need to rest and heal. Similarly, you don’t need to wait until you can’t get out of bed in the morning and feel like the world is better off without you to realize it’s time to ask for help.
Building self-awareness by tuning into how we feel on a daily basis lies at the root of preventing our mental health from deteriorating and leading to extreme outcomes. There are people left, right and centre in our lives who would love nothing more than to listen to how we’re feeling and help pull us out of a dark place if we find ourselves there. This is the truth. As much as you might feel alone and like you don’t belong, there is an entire community made up of your friends, family – and heck, the strangers around you! – who want nothing more than to show you that you do belong and are genuinely valued by those around you.
I want to shift away from the reactive behaviour society pushes onto us so frequently – only talking about suicide after someone we know or care about has been affected by it, only discussing depression once we decide it is extreme enough to seek professional help. Why? Why does it feel like mental health is so extraordinarily unearthing when it exists within everyone?
At their core, mental health struggles often stem from lacking a sense of belonging, meaning or connection – essentially a perception of disparity between ourselves and others. My goal with this conversation shift is to prove that we can be proactive about these issues before they become catastrophic. What I first want to encourage anyone reading this to do is to tell someone when you’re feeling off. This might be something you have heard before, but the reason it matters is this: by tying up that loose end right away, we can prevent a tugging subconscious feeling from becoming the first thread to come loose in a soon rapidly unravelling web. This unravelling can cause a drastic shift in perception to one of feeling helpless, lost or hopeless. Our thoughts don’t have to follow that path.
Reaching out to a friend doesn’t necessarily need to start with, “I’m struggling with my mental health and don’t know what to do.” It can be as small as quickly typing, “Hey, woke up feeling a bit off today. Wanna have a quick call or see each other later?” or “Feeling more down than usual, any ideas on how to boost my mood and feel a bit brighter?” By even sending some highly diluted version of this message, you will be shocked at the support, curiosity and willingness to help which will rush forward from your friends and family. People simply can’t help if they don’t know what’s going on. Many of us know the importance of addressing this issue, but the missing piece of the conversation comes from the fact that as humans, one of our greatest strengths is hiding our struggles. This inclination to keep to ourselves in times of difficulty is completely natural because it’s a survival instinct stemming from our desire to appear dominant and never show weakness. Luckily, we no longer need to survive by hiding behind a façade of impenetrable strength and invincibility – this isn’t the Hunger Games! We are allowed to have off-days and ask to talk to someone in the same way we’re allowed to wake up in physical pain and ask a friend if they have any advice on how to make a sore back feel better.
It’s easy to fall into this trap of trying to coach ourselves out of the internal dialogue lead by our inner critic. However, sometimes all we need is a simple act of intention like sending a text, calling a friend or starting a conversation to pull us out of the tornado of helplessness and negativity that can gain momentum in our heads – something Mark Manson calls the Feedback Loop From hell. There is absolutely nothing wrong with tuning into how we’re feeling and seeking support. It is, after all, one of the most powerful and potentially impactful actions we can take. Showing vulnerability does not make you a weak person – in any sense of the word. Conversely, it takes a great amount of strength and comfort with who you are to recognize how you’re feeling, and express it to others despite that fear of judgement. The secret is this: that behaviour comes with practice. Sure, it might be uncomfortable at first to admit you’re struggling, having a tough day or feel like you’re not living up to this ‘perfect’ image you might think defines you. But the more you speak up, the easier that conversation becomes and the better you get at pulling yourself out of a toxic train of thought which can send you into a much deeper hole than necessary.
On the other side of the coin, while there’s great value in looking for signs that others are struggling, everyone is exceptionally good at putting on a happy face and burying their thoughts deep enough so that they can only be explored in complete solitude – a dangerous habit which can lead to extreme outcomes. Thus, the more we can present ourselves as sources of light and support for others, the more comfortable people will be opening up to us without feeling like they are a burden as so many often do.
You are not a burden if you are struggling and need help!
The feeling of gratification you might give someone else by allowing them to lighten the burden you are carrying pales in comparison to the feelings of guilt and sadness they will experience if something happens and they are left wishing they could have done more to show their support. Giving others the opportunity to help you by being open about what you’re going through might be the greatest favour you ever do for yourself – and can be a truly valuable gift to share with someone else. In fact, you might even help pull someone else out of whatever internal banter they could be experiencing by letting them help pull you out of yours. I think we can all agree that none of us want anyone we know to be battling an internal struggle alone – so why would our family and friends want anything different for us? Let the people around you be there for you. Being honest with yourself and tuning into your own thoughts is a powerful thing. While I am a strong believer in the idea that we can control our happiness by choosing to believe one thought over another, that thought prioritization can sometimes be extremely challenging. That is precisely when it becomes necessary to reach out and let someone remind you of the power you have in your own life and the love you are surrounded by in your community.
my ask:
After reading this article, write a few sentences down somewhere – a journal, the notes on your phone, a Word doc on your computer – about how you’re feeling and what you might be struggling with. Learning to process our thoughts in a tactical way like writing them out and working through them logically instead of purely relying on our feelings to govern our perception has a dramatic impact on our self-awareness.
Ask a friend you haven’t seen in awhile how they’re doing. Shoot a message to a cousin or a family member you miss. Call your parents to catch up. We can never be too in touch with our community – it’s the power of shared experience which will reduce these feelings of helplessness and isolation which are at the root of so many harmful beliefs.
change the conversation
Let’s embrace mental health instead of shying away from it – that is where the change is going to come from. If any of this resonated with you, shoot me a message and let me know how you’re doing. To anyone struggling who might be reading this, know that you are valued and have a serious amount of potential in this world – don’t ever feel like you are completely alone. If you ever do forget that, there is always someone you know who will jump at the opportunity to remind you of it. And finally, if you’re ever debating between reaching out or keeping your struggles to yourself – please let this be a reminder that reaching out might be the best decision you’ll ever make.